Surprised by Failure

August 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I know I haven’t been blogging daily like I said I would, but who’s actually got the time for that? Honestly, I do, but a few new hobbies and a social life push blogging about a failed experiment to the back-burner. Ah well, I haven’t had much to write about anyways.

As I go through this life trying to figure out what’s up or down, or if it even matters, I tend to ignore the thought of God. Easy enough, but I’ve even come to a point where I’ve stopped looking for Him. I start my day like a normal person, go to work like everyone else, and finish like I started. A never-ending cycle so many, including myself, get caught in, that ends up taking away the excitement of each day. I loose my zest for life, forget the blessing it is to have a house and a job, and altogether ignore the mercy I’ve been given to take the next breath. I’m fully aware that I could throw a little scripture into my day and add that to the monotony that is my life, but is that really going to make a difference? I’m doubting the power of scripture. At least I’m aware of the doubt, first step, yeah? Blah

I forget to look for God in my day because I never even consider he is part of it. Yes, I go do “good” things and try to make some kind of difference in the lives of others, but I’m not sure my mindset is “I’m going to make God the difference in MY life, and let Him work in others”. It may sound silly, but I think I do “good” things because they make me feel good about myself. Luckily for me, God can even use that.

I spend some of my time with a few homeless friends out in Washington Square just eating sandwiches and swapping stories, nothing really “godly” or whatever. I’m not sure what the deep down motives of my heart are, but I do know I enjoy my time there. After playing 21 and war with a friend named Daniel for a few hours, I decided to join my church group meeting on the other side of the park. As I was getting up, Daniel said “Blake, we enjoy having you around, come back soon”. I was a little startled I guess. I haven’t done anything besides sit on the nasty ground and listen to crazy stories of street life, occasionally bringing a few sandwiches when I have the stuff to make em, and Daniel and Betty actually enjoy my company. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Not about my motives, or even why they like me, but why I was so confused at being wanted without giving anything but my time. I’m sure this is some kind of heart issue and my need to earn my acceptance, but that’s just another thing I need to give to God and let him work it out. On to the story…

As I was making my way over to the group, I saw another friend, Jean. A 67 year old lady who is by far the most angry person I’ve ever met. Fortunately, she likes me as well. We chatted for a long while about her hatred of public transit, doctors, firemen, and social security, before I slowly directed the conversation directly at her anger and lack of joy. After many stories about when she WAS joyful and what could make her happy now, I brought in Jesus. HA that was a laugh. I’d have more luck at convincing someone a rock was a dog than getting her to entertain the thought that Jesus is anything more than the son of the Blessed Mother. After a few sharp words from her, I found myself praying. After a whole day of ignoring God, I decided that that moment was when I needed his help. I’m very glad that God was who I turned to when I needed someone to have my back, but I guess I’m disappointed that I hadn’t talked to him until I needed something. Our conversation ended in me waving a white flag and, after a few pleasantries, heading over to the comfort of community. Sweet action.

All that was Wednesday, and I hadn’t really thought much about it until I got a phone call tonight. It was Daniel looking for a dry place to stay during the hurricane for him and Betty (who is pregnant). David, Eli, and I now have a homeless couple who will be enjoying Irene with us, and, because I have AMAZING friends, no one cares. It’s actually quite funny. We were at a party and I walked up to both of them and said “hey, y’all got a problem with a few homeless people staying with us through the storm?”, and both answered “nope, sounds good”, then continued on with their conversations…. I’m not sure how often you invite random people off the streets to come say with you, but the fact that my friends took it in stride like it’s normal, awesome.

I’m rambling, so I’ll jump to the point. Even in my failure at pursuing God every morning, he is still hard at work in and through me. I’m sharing the gospel with old ladies, giving resources I don’t have without a second thought, and caring for people with no ulterior motive. What is happening? I really feel far away from God, but he is obviously closer than I know, and I just need to open my eyes.

God’s good. Look around.

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